*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
That’s classic.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg