*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly


Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

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My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.


The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room



Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?


[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs


*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.


*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”


My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁


what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden


why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs


If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.