me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
asked my bf how work was today
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.