[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
You Might Also Like
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.