[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂