*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Very problematic
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on