*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?