At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
😲 WTF? 😆
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
went fishing caught a bass
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???