At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
You Might Also Like
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
dude it’s called proctologist
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
me opening up to someone
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”