@platinum2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

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@TweetPotato314

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

@Divergentmama

My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.

@KellyMeldrum

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

@TheHyyyype

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

@IamEveryDayPpl

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

@Darlainky

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*