*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.