[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

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[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*


I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.


FB friend’s boy in a baseball uniform pic: “Our little pitcher”

Me: “He looks more like a catcher”

Nobody got it.

So I’m back here..


Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.


I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.


…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more


Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.


[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”


{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.


I’ve programmed Alexa to turn off the lights and attack me at random intervals so I can keep my karate skills sharp.