Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.