Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[at the club]
Her: C’mon, lets dance!
Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
There’s no recipe in this world that raisins can’t ruin.
Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?