Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You Might Also Like
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
This checks out
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
he’s doing your taxes
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“How’s your day going?”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.