There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .
Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.