At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.

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There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.


How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?


Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.


Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .

Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.


HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret‚Äôs safe with me ūüôā


“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice


wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.


I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.


[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators