*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life