[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me My dog
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
some cats are just doing for fun!
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.