[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby