(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Webb. James Webb.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter