Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Have Egyptians tried unplugging and plugging Egypt?
Yesterday I bought a ribeye.
Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.
I don’t even feel bad about it.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.