*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link


Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.


Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.


me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no


*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.


Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.


yes lassie?
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad