Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

stop

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

This kinda thing happens to me often

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye