On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
M: I can’t do that.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.