@Parkerlawyer

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

You Might Also Like

@brideylee

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

@KayRants

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

@TheMichaelRock

Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.

@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

@DanMentos

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@UncleBob56

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.