At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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I’d love this…lol
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*