At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”


One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.


Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.


[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities


[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that




Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.


People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.