[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.


“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On


Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.


(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*


*slams cymbals together*



Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.


My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.


*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*


me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,