@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

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@TwatWaffler69

You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.

@SortaBad

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

@jessokfine

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

@AntDiPalma

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@oldfriend99

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

@UncleDuke1969

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.