40% of divorces stem from $ issues.
40% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?
[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]
Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?
Me: Irreconcilable differences.
Her: Football & beer.
#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.