You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.
You don’t stand a chance.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.