@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

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@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

@JennEngineer_

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

@TheMichaelRock

Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?

[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]

Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.

@KimMonte10

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@better_off_dad

Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?

Me: Irreconcilable differences.

Her: Football & beer.

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@DurtMcHurtt

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.