[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.