[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
You Might Also Like
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!