At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will