the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
You Might Also Like
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault