@TheTweetOfGod

At the end of the day, it’s 11:59pm.

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@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@underalls

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

@Miles_Mannered

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

@SardonicTart

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

@AndyVale

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

@Cpin42

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

@MHaffizJ

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

@Hadzilla

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”