Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money