[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
SPLOOT
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.