Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
ME: AND SO IS HE!
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that