at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like