At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
That 👊
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Not all heroes wear capes.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.