Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: Thanks for the sex.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.
Me: That’d be nice.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments