[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.