@fro_vo

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

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@vonTraphaus

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

@Chumpstring

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

@InternetHippo

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@ThisOneSayz

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@bingowings14

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

@krisv_723

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

@DirtMcTurd

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

@ImABaconDonut

Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.

@krautsider

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

@steveffootball

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments