At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You Might Also Like
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*