@SamuelSaulsbury

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

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@Scott_A_Gilmore

They’re just making up new weather with this ‘thunder snow’ shit. Next we’ll have ‘earthquake rain’ or ‘sunny darkness’ or some shit.

@PickleRudd

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@markydoodoo

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

@Snarfernini

Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I’m gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355

Bring ice cream too

@Playing_Dad

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere

@moose_chocolate

“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.

@Paxochka

Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.