[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.