(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“Sheer Arrogance”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.