(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Whisper out to librarians!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
one last job
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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