[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Well, this explains it:
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
crochet youtube is brutal
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.