[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Well there goes my Wednesday night.