[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
just witnessed a drug deal
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no