Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[At the gym]
Him: Time for crunches.
Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
So when a couple gets engaged on Facebook for April Fools it’s okay to comment “hahaha” but the rest of the year it’s rude??
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.