(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over