[At the gym]

Me: *sits in a chair by the treadmills with a bowl of popcorn and cheers for people*

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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.


boss: r u flexible this week
me: i used 2 be able 2 do a split in 4th grade i mean i could try but idk if there’s enough space in ur office


Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!


When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.


[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.


Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!


[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!


GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah