What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
New tinder profile pic
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it