@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

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@msmegmensa

If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’

@iGreenMonk

Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?

Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.

@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

@Moanhamed

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

@ShortSleeveSuit

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

@Marlebean

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.