When your cat is giving you the silent treatment
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
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If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’
Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?
Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.