[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
You Might Also Like
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
This line from Airplane.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh