[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
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I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Optional boss fight.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.