[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
hi why am I like this
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.