@BoogTweets

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

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@HenpeckedHal

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

@someonelikesmeg

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

@Gupton68

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@TheAlexNevil

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

@urmumsausername

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.