[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Stop making fast and furious movies.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro