[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.