“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.