@david8hughes

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

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@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

@fearnot

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@amietorii

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

@tarashoe

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

@walterjean182

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@TravLeBlanc

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

@realfunghi

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.