At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
You Might Also Like
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Swedish for common sense.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.