[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
That de-escalated quickly
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
who wore it better?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
going to the ER y’all need anything