[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

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Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together




relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?


Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.


My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.


MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*


I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?


When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]


My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.

I sure hope he asks me out again.


My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce