At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto